Unforgiven

Matthew 6:14-15 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

(Image is of Salvador Dali's "Person at the Window)

I realized just as I was typing in these words that forgiveness is a choice. I also realized that perhaps the reason I feel so far away from God is my lack of forgiveness for the many people who have hurt me. I have had a very rough three years. I am a special educator. When I went to my first public school job I tried to advocate for my students. That's what I thought I should do. That is what I learned in my credentialling program and in all the books I read whether I wanted to or not. That is not what the district that hired me wanted. In fact, for my efforts I was fired in a most humiliating way. So, I became a whistleblower on behalf of students and parents who could not speak for themselves. I was no martyr, I was scared to death, but it was the right thing to do. I suppose it was also a little revenge, too, which is not my job, but the kids did get their services. I look back at that time and think I could have been more diplomatic, I could have played the game better, but I simply did not know. The school I came from had never thought of walking on the rights of students. So, it went on. As far as I know, I have been blackballed. For doing what was right. The next district I worked at was pretty much a repeat of the first. And this last year has been the worst of all; I have spent most of the year targetted and harrassed by a Principal with no end of cruel headgames for me while I struggled with some of the most challenging students I have ever worked with. She drove me to the point of considering taking my life. It was that bad. She also has a Christian fish on her car. This, in a profession dedicated to the academic welfare of children. It still does not make sense to me.

So, what am I to do with these feelings of rage inside me? The steam that comes bubbling up from that cauldron of rage and blocks my view of God? How do I forgive when the sins and betrayals against me are continuous? When I went to find a verse on forgiveness in my study Bible I found at least 4 columns on forgiveness, forgiving, forgiven, forgave. It is vitally important to God that I forgive. These verses from Matthew do not say, "If you FEEL like forgiving men when they sin against you" they say "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you." There is no wiggle room. There are no excuses. You can't ignore or find another way to interpret what this says. There leaves only one choice; to forgive. To begin walking the road of forgiveness. To start throwing out the stones of hatred and hurt I am carrying that make my journey so much more of a burden. To believe and trust God that if He is commanding me to do something that somehow it is for not only God's benefit, but for mine, too. Within forgiveness is the chance to free myself of the simmering cauldron that blocks my view of the Lord so that the window to Him is once again crystal clear.