Believing God

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted, and He saves those crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

Today was a strange day, the first day of summer school, the first time I have watched another teacher take over the students that I put my heart into for the last 9 months and apparently failed. Then came some mind-boggling news; the person who supervised me, who had allowed me to tormented by a school Principal, who was unsuccessful in supervising three experienced teachers, and who has never taught in a public school classroom and does not even have anything but a school pyschologist's credential was named Principal of the special education program that I was once a part of. I, who created a program from the ground up and was successful with six students, among them those with severe behavior problems was non-re-elected (Not re-hired) as were my colleagues who were also under this woman. How does THAT work? I am struggling to forgive, to not be bitter, to move on, then I get this news.

So, maybe I have a bit deeper understanding of what Jesus went through; I am imperfect. I have made mistakes and done things wrong in spite of an overall successful year. Jesus WAS perfect. He did not make any mistakes. He did nothing wrong, yet people fought Him from all sides. He brought a new vision of God, a direct line to the Father, a communion never experienced since Adam and Eve, and they took Him, humiliated Him, beat Him up and murdered Him. The very people who should have been rejoicing in the Great Gift He brought; Jews and Romans alike. Yet in spite of all of this, He can still come to me and tell me that He understands. He knows I am brokenhearted. He knows my spirit is crushed. And He cares. He could point out all my mistakes in this hopeless year, yet He does compare my small wounds with the horrors perpetrated on Him. He says He understands. He feels for me. That He is close to me and will save me. The words of Corrie Ten Boom saying, "There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still" remind me that even in my darkest, gloomiest hours, God has chosen to stand by me.

Unforgiven

Matthew 6:14-15 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

(Image is of Salvador Dali's "Person at the Window)

I realized just as I was typing in these words that forgiveness is a choice. I also realized that perhaps the reason I feel so far away from God is my lack of forgiveness for the many people who have hurt me. I have had a very rough three years. I am a special educator. When I went to my first public school job I tried to advocate for my students. That's what I thought I should do. That is what I learned in my credentialling program and in all the books I read whether I wanted to or not. That is not what the district that hired me wanted. In fact, for my efforts I was fired in a most humiliating way. So, I became a whistleblower on behalf of students and parents who could not speak for themselves. I was no martyr, I was scared to death, but it was the right thing to do. I suppose it was also a little revenge, too, which is not my job, but the kids did get their services. I look back at that time and think I could have been more diplomatic, I could have played the game better, but I simply did not know. The school I came from had never thought of walking on the rights of students. So, it went on. As far as I know, I have been blackballed. For doing what was right. The next district I worked at was pretty much a repeat of the first. And this last year has been the worst of all; I have spent most of the year targetted and harrassed by a Principal with no end of cruel headgames for me while I struggled with some of the most challenging students I have ever worked with. She drove me to the point of considering taking my life. It was that bad. She also has a Christian fish on her car. This, in a profession dedicated to the academic welfare of children. It still does not make sense to me.

So, what am I to do with these feelings of rage inside me? The steam that comes bubbling up from that cauldron of rage and blocks my view of God? How do I forgive when the sins and betrayals against me are continuous? When I went to find a verse on forgiveness in my study Bible I found at least 4 columns on forgiveness, forgiving, forgiven, forgave. It is vitally important to God that I forgive. These verses from Matthew do not say, "If you FEEL like forgiving men when they sin against you" they say "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you." There is no wiggle room. There are no excuses. You can't ignore or find another way to interpret what this says. There leaves only one choice; to forgive. To begin walking the road of forgiveness. To start throwing out the stones of hatred and hurt I am carrying that make my journey so much more of a burden. To believe and trust God that if He is commanding me to do something that somehow it is for not only God's benefit, but for mine, too. Within forgiveness is the chance to free myself of the simmering cauldron that blocks my view of the Lord so that the window to Him is once again crystal clear.